You know he is not good for you. You suffer. You have no idea why you can’t give him up. Your mind criticizes you and you feel weak and deserving -after all- everything he does.
First thing first, congratulations for realizing he is not the person you love. The person you love is kind, tender, thoughtful, insertwhateveryourdrugis, and you wait for him to return, while his evil twin takes over. And he is always back. If he was not, you would have left long ago. But he senses when you are about to break, open the door and flee, and the cycle begins.
You know by now, since it is an image you are attracted to, that he is not real. You love a projection- possibly of who YOU are- and a potential- who he could be. And if you did not know it, now you do.
Having established that you love someone that is made up, built carefully by you and him together- I am sure he took very good care of his image over the years and crafted mechanisms to protect it, as it is baseless and fragile like a soap bubble- it is not hard to understand why at every problem he shifts the blame, shames, humiliates and has a desire to win the argument as if his life depended on it. Because it does. He needs to see himself through the image he has built and cannot face who he is, based on his actions.
So while you try to communicate and find a solution and intimacy, he dodges anything that feels uncomfortable in an aggressive way.
Does this sound familiar? Keep on reading, I am taking you home today.
Barbara de Angelis is an author that wrote many books on love and I read them all for many years, but one or two things stuck with me and one of them was, that no one is giving you a transfusion of love. No one makes you love. You do. You have that capacity as a baby and child and with time you suppress it, when we should be loving everything and everyone, in an ideal world.
When you meet someone who most probably will unearth all the issues you have, they feel familiar, and attractive. Your brain, hates unfamiliar territory. Your brain tells you “here it is safe”. And you start feeling. Add to that oxytocin levels that spike with every sexual encounter creating a bond, some erroneous ideas of what romance is and should be from films and movies and that is all it takes. You are on your way to the castle for your happily ever after and spend a lifetime fighting to create this utopian fairy tale.
It is fair to say that both of you do not have a relationship with the other, but both, with his image, his reflection. If you think about it, you will see that all this deep love and affection you are capable of giving, was just waiting to come out, and at the end of the day, has nothing to do with who he really is.
Would your prince ever tell you you are a insertpreferredchoiceofhumiliation.
Did you ever think that you would endure that much? How did you get to this place? With tiny baby steps that took you of your course. If you walk towards your future, it takes only half a degree to bring you kilometers away from where you wanted to be and with experiences that try to get you back where you should have been in the first place.
If you bang your head on a wall, maybe its time to face there is no door and reconsider your desire to go through that point.
And if the cat is dead, no point in dragging it to every room, afraid of letting go. We all want a pet, but one that loves us, plays with us, is a companion. So let go of this thing that will never be what you want- people don’t change unless things dont work for THEM, and that is not over a girlfriend-and open your arms that are busy, to accept the next gift and next chapter in your life, that might be closer to what you are looking for.
Leaving and healing. ( to be continued)
