I had a few rules in my life regarding break ups and that is that I was not dating a guy after the other.
The reason for doing that is that I did not want to escape, squash and shove in me the mourning process because I would skip the point of that relationship, which was to learn myself. What I did, how I acted and reacted, and get a lesson for the next relationship.
It would also impair my judgment. It could make me go from a man who never said a sweet thing, to a big mouthed superficial extremely romantic borderline creepy guy promising the moon, and my radar would be shut off, due to the fact I had missed that part in the previous relationship.
Think of an elastic that has been pulled. You need to go the other way and then, when you have snapped back to your normal shape, you have mourned the loss of dreams, investment, pride, hopes and routine, only then are you ready to date again.
It’s a very painful process. But here is the trick. If you don’t allow yourself to bask in pain, desperation and loss, these feelings will stay in you and guide your every future move, without you even knowing it. You need to let them come, feel them, and only then will you be totally free.
We fear hurt, but once in hurt, we find liberation. We faced the demon, and we now know, it comes and passes and we didn’t die from it.
I had some break ups that hurt for a long time. Bottomless pits. Depending on how young, trusting and giving I was. But as I grew older and wiser, I knew that these feelings had to be broken down to survive them. I knew it was hormonal, I knew my brain craved the high that was associated with that person. So when I would feel sad, melancholic or depressed, I would break it down to days. Today is a bad day, I am having a wave coming over me. I wont fight it, I will let it take me low, and then high, and I will wait till it puts me in the shore, in familiar solid ground.
I also tried to forgive and let go of grudges and “why”’s that kept me tied to the person. It doesn’t matter why. Because people are selfish, because he didn’t love you, because he did love you and not anymore, it doesn’t matter. There was nothing you could have done to control the other person.
And that is the second lesson. You can’t make someone love you. If you messed up, the other person has a choice to forgive or to leave. If he messed up ask yourself if he would treat his phone with the same indifference.
We take care of things we care about. He didn’t care what you would think or do, so why are you still hung up on what HE thinks, feels and wants?
Because you have not learned to love yourself, and that is why your vibrations attract people who will treat you the same way you treat your self.
In my practice I sometimes do an exercise to strengthen the bond and the self love, and you can find it on some of my books, but I will give it to you now.
Lay down, close your eyes and focus at your body parts, one at a time. First your toes( tense them ) then release, and move to feet, calves, etc while the rest of your body is relaxed.
Go in a room inside your mind, and open the door. There is a child sitting there, alone and sad. His eyes light up when he sees you and he rushes in your arms, crying inconsolably. He feels rejected, alone, bored, and unworthy. He feels guild and shame and unhappy. Outside, children play on a beach but they are separated by a glass window. The child wants to play with them but can’t go there, they don’t see him. You sit down and look at the innocent eyes, caress the cheek and let him show you his toys, yapping about this and that. You validate him, and let him come to you, hug you and take attention from you in a way that he needs to experience it. At some point he feels you are friends and he hugs you and tells you he doesnt want you to go. He is scared here alone. You hold him tight and you feel so much love. You tell him everything will be ok. He is not alone, he will never be alone, because you are here and you hear him, all the time. You know his pain and you truly know he is going to be ok. The glass shatters and the children can see him now. You feel him moving in your arms, he wants to play, he is feeling good now. You tell him you will come everyday to play with him, and that he can always tell you what he needs. You open the door, glance at him playing at the beach and exit the door
This exercise always make people cry. Its purpose is to give you the love you need without a surrogate of someone else from the outside. After about 3 weeks you will feel a huge difference.
The other side of this exercise is to let you know that no matter what happens now, no matter how desperate and lost you feel, there is a future you, visiting you, letting you know you survived it and it was not such a huge thing after all.
Dealing with the pain was one thing. Now, it’s time for improvement and empowerment. ( to be continued)
